‘Going Dutch’ on a date
I was married for 20+ years and recently divorced, so I have been out of the dating game for a while. I have been asked out to dinner by a man at work and I like him but I’m not sure how to handle the paying part. My friends are giving me different advice. Some say I should offer to pay half and others say that if he asked me out, he should pick up the bill. What do you think, Auntie?
Auntie’s answer: Back in the old days, men were expected to pay for everything, but then they probably earned much more than their date, since women rarely advanced in the workplace and traditional women’s jobs paid significantly less than men’s.
Now, however, the gap has closed quite a bit (we’ll leave the question of whether it has closed enough for another day). The point is that in many cases women are in a much stronger position financially than their mothers or grandmothers and can often pay their own way.
On the other hand, a single mother with children might be feeling the pinch and you certainly don’t want to find out that your date is expecting you to pay half at the end of a three-course dinner with a bottle of Champagne at the Ritz if that is out of your financial range.
I think that you would be smart to establish who is paying for what at the start, before you order anything and preferably before you decide where to go. If you’re a bit short of cash, you could let him know that and suggest that you go somewhere you can afford. If at that point he tells you it’s his treat, then at least you’ve established that at the get-go. If you are able, you might offer to pay the tip.
If your date has made it clear that he is paying, unless you know for sure that he is not short of a few bob it seems rude to me to order the most expensive things off the menu; he may be trying to impress you and you don’t want to take advantage of that, especially if you like the idea of a second date.
Finally, there are still some men who believe that if they pay for everything they are entitled to sex at the end of the night. If he turns out to be one of them, dump him and don’t look back.
However, I sincerely hope that your date goes well.
Category: Ask Auntie
The answer is simple in terms of behavioural economics. Whether you are likely to need to go Dutch is largely a function of your relative leverage in terms of erotic capital. Understanding that concept is vital to maximising positive outcomes from dating processes.
This is not complicated. Simple politeness means everyone offers to pay even if the invitation was my treat. Don’t be manipulative.
1:13pm – Best answer here. Better than Auntie’s even
As a woman I am simply horrified by this question and these comments.
A few major points.
1. YOU HAVE A JOB.
2. You have a job and are able to vote and have essentially the same freedoms as a man.
3. The food and beverages you will be consuming will be going into YOUR body.
My point being that we very recently had a global movement because women are fed up of a patriarchal value system. This means you as a woman are responsible for yourself just like I am. Your p*s*y does not entitle you to free stuff.
It’s 2017 people. Time for everyone to do a little growing up.
I think if a gentleman asks you out and it’s a first date, he should be the gentleman and pay the bill. If it’s a regular date thereafter, by all means offer to pay your share even if it is refused. Many men take it as an insult if a lady offers to pay half the bill. Tight fisted gits grab the money!! He wouldn’t see me for a second date that’s for sure.
There are several layers of issues here.
1.A man with a tight budget who simply can’t afford to pay for his date for he would go broke. Instead of moaning about should he pay, he better off staying home or taking a woman for an ice cream or coffee or just a walk on a beach.
2.A well off man usually has no issues with paying for his date’s meal, drink, etc. The thought of “going Dutch” would not even cross his mind as sees his date as an opportunity to have good time, nice evening, enjoyable conversation, etc. Money is not a problem for him. He likes the feeling of being generous with a woman.
3. A man who is neither rich, nor poor can go either way, depending on his believes and conditioning. If he wants to impress a woman he would pay, if he really likes a woman he would pay, if he knows a woman he would want to save his face and pay. Things could go differently if it is a blind date, again depending on his believes and conditioning.
Men these days are losing their masculinity by spending too much time in their heads figuring out what to do, instead of acting as a real man would, regardless of the century we live in.
09/03/2017 at 2:11 pm anonymous who said “a girl gets marked down if she doesn’t at least make some attempt to offer” is pathetic to say the least. Grow up man!
I always always offer to pay, twice. But, in general, the person who invites the other person out usually pays. That means if I ask a man on a date, I pay. I don’t usually ask men out on a first date, but usually ask them out for a second. So, I most often insist on paying for the second date, and then try and alternate each time after that. There have been exceptions but I try to be fair and pay my own way.
When I take a girl on a date I’ll always expect to pick up the bill. However, a girl gets marked down if she doesn’t at least make some attempt to offer. If it’s going well suggest you go somewhere for a nightcap afterwards and insist on paying for a least one drink. That’ll put his mind at rest your not a gold-digger like 12:33. As for the dating a co-worker, I’d do it but would be careful… it’s always difficult if things don’t work out after some romantic involvement.
you have some self-esteem issues assuming things about a person you know nothing about. Never generalize or assume.
My girle is from Honduras and I pay for everything
Great, she charges me a fortune, could you pay for that too?
My opinion is that it is unprofessional in the workplace and could be classified as sexuly harassment, because I would assume that other words were said except let’s go to dinner . But dating your Co worker is a very bad idea for you , long out the dating game.
Always remember that there’s more fish in the ocean to catch.
Oh, please, get back down to Earth.
Your clichè is overused by the way.
When I was living in Cayman , I was making lots of money and could afford a drink. My girlfriend was making very little. We would often go to the Royal Palms on Friday night to dance. There was a man in his early 40s, a gardener, I think he was from Honduras, who would always come with us and he would always buy us a beer or a drink, always. We never asked him, but he would just do it anyway. He was saying he won’t go broke spending money on a couple of beers for his friends and it is just a customary thing in his country.
If a man has asked you for a date, he is paying. Period. If he wants to woo you and wants to go Dutch on the first date, he is cheap. If it is just a friends get together, you can say, I assume you will be paying-nothing wrong to ask a friend about it.
I had never ever paid for meal on a date, even on a blind date when I clearly saw he was not into me.
I know a story when two Caymanian attorneys were having a meal at a restaurant. One had a girlfriend, who invited her friend to join them. The “unattached” attorney did not pick up the girls share of the bill, I assume he was not into her, but it made him look not just cheap, but disgusting.
The modern day call girl right here
You are the one who sounds like a cheap scrounger? As Auntie says, the game has moved on…
I thought being a prostitute was illegal in this jurisdiction?
Gee, I wonder why the blind date wasn’t into you …
Ugh…Yeah, OK. So
Good Lord, why should he have paid some complete stranger’s bill?
Whoa…how about we back it up to: don’t date the coworker!
Especially if your co worker is married & your boss. Trust me plenty of them looking for an easy pick up as you are looking for company & they are looking for sex…
Chivalry from a clean heart is highly desirable.
More importantly, if you liked him, you should have asked him out yourself instead of waiting around like a needy woman waiting for him to ask you out.
Women’s Day everyone ! Women, that means you start taking initiative. The days of chivalry and being a gentleman ended at 12:01 AM on 3/8/17.
This is what women wanted. You now have it.