Not ready to have sex with boyfriend

| 05/03/2017

I am 19 and my boyfriend is 20. We have been dating since I was 16. He is pressuring me to have sex even though I have told him I want to wait until I am married. I love him very much, but he hasn’t proposed yet. I don’t want to lose him. What should I do?

Auntie’s answer: First of all, I want you to know that you are definitely not alone in the situation you describe. Of course, that doesn’t make it any easier for you knowing that many other couples are dealing with the same thing.

Having said that, I think what’s important for you to focus on is how you are feeling. If you are not comfortable or ready for a sexual relationship with your boyfriend, there is not a thing wrong with that.

I understand you love him, but if you want to wait, then you want to wait. If your boyfriend loves you, and I have no reason to believe he doesn’t, then he should respect your feelings.

I also do not like that your boyfriend is “pressuring” you. No one should feel pressured into making a decision they are not ready for. It may feel more complicated than that, but that is basically the bottom line.

And there are other points to consider. While you have been dating for three years, both of you are still young and marriage is a huge step. I realise I do not know anything about your relationship except what you have suggested in your question, but it seems like you may be holding a marriage proposal over your boyfriend’s head. If he does ask, will there be an expectation that the question is enough for you to change your mind? Will you be any more ready to take your relationship to the next step tomorrow if he proposes today? Is that one question the only consideration in your hesitation? In addition, there may be a significant amount of time between a proposal and an actual wedding; think about how that might affect the situation.

Also, I hope he hasn’t suggested that if you do not change your mind, he will break up with you. You didn’t say that but you did express concern he may leave you if you don’t agree to have sex. If that is the case, then I am afraid your relationship will not stand the test of time, much less marriage.

Category: Ask Auntie

Comments (38)

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  1. bubba says:

    screw him for christ sake are he’ll find someone who will!

  2. Anonymous says:

    When it comes to vaginas, there’s no such thing as a retread. Ongoing maintenance perhaps?

  3. Anonymous says:

    I can see both sides to this. As a woman, sex is quite scary when you are still a virgin. It takes a bit of practice and a few goes at it to actually enjoy it. In my opinion, I would not wait until your marriage because you will ruin your wedding day with the stress of thinking about the marriage night. Believe me, you will not enjoy your first time. I would much prefer to know what I was doing on my wedding night and have fun with my new husband than fumbling around and feeling like a failure because it wasn’t all that you hoped it would be. Get all the rubbish sex out of the way and have hot passionate sex on your wedding night ( if you haven’t drunk too much that is).
    Your partner should not be pressursing you into having sex, but I see how he is frustrated. Three years is long time to be with someone and he obviously feels like it is time to be extra close and intimate with you. If you have trust, love and loyalty, God will be happy for you. It’s not like you are having one night stands in the back of cars, you are both in love. Your partner is gagging for you and he has been open and honest enough to share his worries.
    It’s your choice obviously, but if it were me I would want to have a test run before I drove the car for life. I know that sounds crude, but married life is a long time and if the spark isn’t there you will be getting divorced in no time. Sex is important in a marriage and it is just lovely when you are with the right person. It brings you really close and it feels really good too. I hope you manage to work things out.

  4. A says:

    Sex is fun. You should have it. Keeping virginity till marriage is antiquated. Are you keeping this gift for your husband on wedding night? He obviously doesn’t care.

    • anonymous says:

      9:06 pm — rubbish as well.

      Young lady, you are the only person who can decide this — you should never feel you must give in to pressure.

      First, you were way too young to be in a serious relationship at 16 — you are now just entering the age at which you can begin a serious dating relationship. And dating without being tied to one relationships allows you to have a better understanding of what choice would be best for you in a serious committed relationship.

      My view is that you are going about this in the right way. Once a young woman becomes sexually involved, she tends to lock herself psychologically into the relationship. That would be a mistake at the tender age of 19 when you are discovering who you are, understanding the character of, and compatibility with, persons you date, and what life is all about.

      There is lots of time to explore your sexuality in the future and you and you alone must decide when you are ready for that.

      As one poster noted, relationships are about much more than sex. The reason there is so much divorce today is that people mistake desire for sex with compatibility.

    • anonymous says:

      The critical issue here is self worth and how that determines how you behave in and out of relationships. Here is a piece on self-worth and its relevance to finding a man that every young woman should read — it is long, but it will be so instructive that every man and woman should read it:

      SELF WORTH: In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: ‘What kind of man are you looking for?’ She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, ‘Do you really want to know?’ Reluctantly, he said, ‘Yes.

      She began to expound, ‘As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can’t do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man… or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, ‘What can you bring to the table?’ The man looked at her.

      Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought & stated, ‘I am not referring to money. I need something more.

      I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life. He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain. She said, ‘I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple-minded man.

      I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked…believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

      I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don’t need a financial burden.

      I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

      I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man.

      I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.

      I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive…he just has to be worthy.

      And by the way, I am not looking for him…He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. Hey may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me.

      God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.

      When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, ‘You are asking a lot. She replied, “I’m worth a lot”.

      • Jay Bee says:

        I am a young man and must say, this is who I aspire to be. 100 percent.

  5. Anonymous says:

    interestingly… this is considered abuse on the female part by most psychological textbooks. You’re in a committed relationship, and withholding sex which is integral to a relationship.

    • Anonymous says:

      Total rubbish. A relationship is not built around a vagina and penis it is absolutely not ‘integral’ to a relationship. It would ne interesting to read what the psychology books say about you though!

    • anonymous says:

      1:44 pm — how many people think they are in a “committed relationship” that ultimately fail? This young lady is young enough to change her mind and to still be dating without having to commit.

      And you are totally disregarding her age and stage in life when you reference “psychological textbooks” and charge “abuse.” Ugh!

      It is obvious to me that a little learning is a dangerous thing.

    • Anonymous says:

      And the pressure to do something she doesn’t want to do and doesn’t feel ready for? Sheesh. To me that is the ONLY issue. If she doesn’t want to and doesn’t feel ready, she shouldn’t have sex. When she does want to and does feel ready, she should, whether it’s before or after a wedding. Sex can be great, but do it because you want to, not because someone’s pressured you into it.

  6. Anonymous says:

    A 20 year old boy who has no relationship with His Creator has no right to be in your pants. Otherwise, he would respect you and cherish you until the vows.
    I so regret my behaviour as a youngster and hope that others do not see mistakes as badges of honour. They are not.
    It is disrespectful to yourself and your partner to engage in jiggery pokery just because you had a few drinks and feel frisky. We have become like the animals.
    Anyway, I hope that you come to a decision that protects your peace of mind. Stay true to yourself.

  7. Anonymous says:

    No 20 years old man would just wait for marriage. Nature is nature. I gave in at 16 and was pregnant at 17, got married and we have been happily together for 15 years. I have to mention though it happened in a culturally different country, we both graduated from college and had steady jobs from an early age.

    This is what Mark Twain says about sex:
    “…..From youth to middle age all men and all women prize copulation above all other pleasures combined, yet it is actually as I have said: it is not in their heaven; prayer takes its place. They prize it thus highly; yet, like all their so-called “boons,” it is a poor thing. At its very best and longest the act is brief beyond imagination — the imagination of an immortal, I mean. ….The law of God, as quite plainly expressed in woman’s construction is this: There shall be no limit put upon your intercourse with the other sex sexually, at any time of life.

    The law of God, as quite plainly expressed in man’s construction is this: During your entire life you shall be under inflexible limits and restrictions, sexually….”
    Letters From The Earttby Mark Twain (1909)

    • Anonymous says:

      Total rubbish. I married at 30 a virgin and man, and know of plenty of other guys who waited. As for Mark Twain, did you also read how he respected black people? Hardly an authority in this regard. Think of the advice you are giving to this girl. I say if I was her father I would be proud of her for waiting and if the guy can’t wait, then let him move on.

    • Anonymous says: Letter VIII if you want to read it.
      Letters from the Earth is a posthumously published work of celebrated American author Mark Twain (1835–1910). It comprises essays written during a difficult time in Twain’s life (1904-09), when he was deeply in debt and had recently lost his wife and one of his daughters. The content concerns morality and religion and strikes a sarcastic — Twain’s own term throughout the book — tone. Initially, another of his daughters, Clara Clemens, objected to its publication in March 1939, probably because of its controversial and iconoclastic views on religion, claiming it presented a “distorted” view of her father. Henry Nash Smith helped change her position in 1960. Clara explained her change of heart in 1962 saying that “Mark Twain belonged to the world” and that public opinion had become more tolerant. She was also influenced to release the papers by her annoyance with Soviet reports that her father’s ideas were being suppressed in the United States.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Don’t worry, if you are saying “no” he will almost certainly be seeing someone else on the side who is willing to say “yes, yes , yes”.

    • anonymous says:

      5:42 am — that is exactly why she should say no, and resoundingly so. If the is what he is about….

  9. Anonymous says:

    Could always just enjoy lollypops and call it a day.

  10. Anonymous says:

    The lad should move on. Why should he take the risk of marrying someone and then finding out they are sexually incompatible?

    • Anonymous says:

      Perhaps because marriage is not just about sex? You could be married and the wife or husband become disabled and not able to have sex, should they then divorce? Love is what matters, not sex.

      • Anonymous says:

        if love mattered, 90% of Cayman divorces wouldn’t have been filed by women…

      • Anonymous says:

        really, well that’s why i got divorced. I thought love over sex. I thought maturity over sex

        guess what. if the sex sucks, you will look for it from other people. Or in my case she looked for it, from someone else.

        So please.

        and to Auntie. What dream world are you living in. “I want you to know that you are definitely not alone in the situation you describe. Of course, that doesn’t make it any easier for you knowing that many other couples are dealing with the same thing.”

        no, there are not many 20 somethings dealing with this same problem. The people you speak of are 14 and 16 year old couples that are having this problem.

        This is BS speak for “im going to lie to you, to not make you feel like a wierdo”

        Hey, you wanna be 20 something and wait for marriage before sex. Awesome, good for you. But don’t moan and complain when someone else doesn’t’ I know you know by now your “very unusual”. Well unusual means not often.

        And there isn’t often guys who are in their 20’s willing to wait until marriage before having sex.

        So if you can’t find a guy willing to wait for you, you have two options. Don’t wait, or wait in silence.
        It’s just sex for gods sake, it’s not like your talking about making a baby or something very important like that.

        • Anonymous says:

          Just because your wife was tempted by sex does not mean it is everyone’s reason

  11. Anonymous says:

    Do yourself a favor and don’t waste your time with Sex.. trust Auntie.. your just asking for trouble, ESPECIALLY this early, your future self will thank you later.

    • Anonymous says:

      Your future self will thank you later, as you die alone with your cats.

      • Anonymous says:

        So according to you, a woman that does not fall to the pressure of men’s penile issues that they feel must be satisfied and make that her responsibility will end up alone? Hahahahahaha How many times you been married? how many kids you got and how many of those are out of wedlock?
        I hope your daughter follows your mentality and advice.
        That is all.

        • Anonymous says:

          yes, because a daughter who has sex, oh no the world has ended.

          It’s sex, its’ not mustard gassing everyone.

          it’s not a big deal. It is important. Ya. Is it willing to risk losing someone you care about. no, it’s not.

          If you have sex with him and he leaves. GUESS WHAT, waiting until marriage isnt’ going to keep him around any longer.

          • Anonymous says:

            3:03p Yeah right, then his next issue is with condoms and will pressure her to have sex without protection.
            I say keep it as long as possible because there are lots of STD’s out there and ain’t no d!ck going to admit to having one!! That I can promise you.
            There is NO cure for herpes and unless there is an outbreak, there are no signs. And guess what else??!! You can still pass it on without an outbreak.
            Just ask your doctor or Google it on a trustworthy site.

            • Anonymous says:

              well that’s where a compromise has to come in.

              Sex with condoms always.

              You are putting a negative slant on it.

              If you have sex, it’s going to lead to herpes. LOL

              well, i can beat you fabricated future premonitions

              If you have sex, then he will ask for no condom, then you get herpes, then pregnant, and then the baby will get herpes, and the doctos hands will get herpes from smacking the babys ass, and all her relatives will get herpes and everyone will get cancer.

              so, say no to sex. Can you see how ridiculous your story sounds?

      • Anonymous says:

        Better to die alone with cats than to be with a man that thinks with his penis

        • Anonymous says:

          I suspect whoever posted this comment eats too much cake.

          • Anonymous says:

            I suspect that whoever posted this comment has an IQ of 10E-9

          • Anonymous says:

            If you only knew….
            I am 5’10” weigh 135 and ‘not bad to look at’ as they say…
            My virginity was taken against my will @15 by someone I knew (23yrs old) that wouldn’t take “NO NO NO” for an answer.
            To you men that think it is your right and our responsibility to get you off, I hope you have daughters. And I hope you teach them to be wary of men like you. Teach them to stand behind their virtue. Teach them that no means no and not to back down. Teach them that they don’t have to be polite to tell a lech like you to back off. Teach them that men will lie and say whatever it takes to satisfy their base need between their legs.
            Here are some of the things I heard before I even turned 15;
            It will only take a minute.
            It doesn’t hurt, just ask your friend Patty.
            Your curfew isn’t for another 15 minutes.
            No? Then how about a blow job.
            I am in such pain. You started this, you gotta help me. (we only kissed)
            Come on, I said I love you.
            At least give me a hand job.
            I won’t tell anybody.
            You’re such a pr!ck tease. (Like at 13 I would know what that is!)
            You’re a cream puff, as he reached out and grabbed by breast. (At school! Again at 13. He was maybe 16, I had never seen him before)
            And lastly, at 13, I was molested by my friends 16 yr old brother. I kneed him between his legs and ran. And never told anyone!! Teach her to tell someone about these things!!
            You have NO idea.
            Grow the eF up!

            • Anonymous says:

              Well I suppose this explains the man-hatred.

            • Anonymous says:

              obviously your reading into this, on your own merit.

              She’s not saying he’s getting rapey.

              Which is your issue.

              She’s saying he might not want to wait. Again…that’s not rapey.

              What happened to you, is entirely different. If you cannot see that, then you shouldn’t be giving ANY advice.

              Rape is rape, A man bugging for sex, and not forcing himself on you, is not rape.

              I cannot believe i seriously have to explain that.

              and uhhh, reading your story. You need to pick better men to hang with.

              As soon as any guy calls you a prick tease…..bye bye.
              Reading your story this guy has shown you no respect, what so ever.

              the girl in this article, appears to have a BF that does respect her. But is making his needs well known. It works both ways. You say if he respects you he will wait. If you respect him, you will have sex. See how it’s a two way street.

              See how that works? Gotta meet in between or you have nothing.

        • Anonymous says:

          You sound like a dick!

          • Anonymous says:

            I think it is the lack of dick that is the cause of the problem.

            • rcrenny says:

              45 years ago I was the man in AA’s question. I was respectful and did not pressure my GF and we were married for 25 years. I was basically a virgin as well and did not realize for years how dysfunctional my married sex life was. I was and still am a 3X per week type of man and my ex-wife was a 1X PER YEAR person. Except for having two wonderful children, the marriage was a mess. Had I known these issues before getting married I would have not gotten married. IMHO anyone is taking a serious risk with not establishing sexual compatibility before getting married.

              Here is my advice:

              Men – Be respectful and don’t pressure a woman to have sex. That said, by not establishing compatibility you are taking a risk. Make sure it’s worth it to you. I’d suggest sewing your wild oats (always with a condom) and figure out what works for you in all aspects of a relationship before settling down in a long-term relationship

              Women – Same risk comment as for men. What if your partner never wants sex? Or wants it 3X per day? Doesn’t it make common sense to test drive this aspect of a marriage before jumping in? A sexually active married man may still stray but from a risk perspective, if he’s getting what he needs at home the risk of cheating is much much less.

              I know this won’t be popular with the religious crowd but these are the hard lessons from a 65 YO divorced man.

              PS: My current wife and are nicely compatible ?